Analysis: Cougar Woods employees hate making your food more than you hate eating it

What’s worse, eating the same pizza twice every day, or making the same pizza 100 times every day? Well, the people who make your pizza would sure as hell say the latter. Seriously, we couldn’t get them to stop saying the latter. We polled students and staff in UH’s Cougar Woods dining hall, and the results were shocking.

When we asked students what they would prefer to eat over food from Cougar Woods, and the answers were pretty bad. “Anything” was the most popular response, but our crack team of investigative journalists dug deeper still. “Ramen noodles”, “cardboard”, and “just plug me into an IV” were among the most consistently chosen responses. Another student said that “sometimes, I walk in and just can’t do it. I just can’t. I’ll get a bowl of cereal rather than eat another […] stir fry.”

Not to be outdone, the employees at Cougar Woods very willingly shared with our staff how they felt about making food for students. Here our data diverges along gender lines. Female workers uniformly said they would rather endure the pangs of child-bearing than make one more tuna sandwich. Men’s reactions were similar emotionally, yet different anatomically. The guy who puts frozen patties on the grill said he would “rather have [his] testicles stepped on than hear one more student say ‘I said no cheese’ after they watched me put cheese on the [burger].”

Clearly, the staff at Cougar Woods hate making your food. They really hate it. So next time, try to be courteous to them. Recognize that as miserable as you are eating the weird scrambled-egg-like-substance you're served for breakfast, they are at least twice as miserable making it.

For The Paw, this is Erik Weizs.

Tags: Cougar Woods, Dining Halls, Utilitarian Calculus