Confirmed hive mind, UH Parking, rolls out new plan that allows students to choose how they will get screwed

The following is an official statement from UH Parking: 

“In an effort to continually offer new options that fit students’ needs, we are pleased to announce a new system that allows students to choose when (and where) the UH Parking department will insert our collective phallus.”

When The Paw asked if they considered not screwing the students at all, UH Parking giggled in unison. 

The new website that can be found live here is reportedly unintuitive by even UH Parking standards. Some users have described the site as “rife with pop up ads for sexual lubricant” and are unsure if these are a virus or helpful suggestions for a later part of the process. 

Here at The Paw, we dug down into the question of whether or not prices can be lowered. When asked, the Parking Department reminded us (yet again in unison) that “feeding, clothing, and providing cute little red cars for an entire hive mind is by no means cheap and will therefore be reflected in parking pass prices.”

Freshman, Auchma Holman, told us, “As long as you sign up soon enough and get a relatively ideal time and location it’s not all that bad.”

DISCLAIMER: The author of this article was issued a parking ticket for having “more than three wheels” prior to the writing of this article. 

For The Paw, this is Pawdaddy