Deer Park fumes cause fraternity brother to sprout second penis

Though the fire at the Intercontinental Terminals Company was extinguished last week, the effects of the toxic fumes are still forthcoming. According to researchers at the National Institute of Health (NIH), pollutants from chemical fires (such as the one in Deer Park) "are metabolized in the liver into molecules that react with and damage the genetic material, and lead to mutations, cell death, or other forms of toxicity."

Marcus Holloway, junior at UH and brother at the Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity, has become one of the first victims of the Deer Park disaster. He checked into the hospital on Wednesday complaining of a proliferating mass in his groin area. After a running blood tests and taking a tissue sample, doctors revealed that this mass is, in fact, a second penis. The diversion of the urethra into this new mass is, doctors believe, almost certainly a mutation caused by air toxicity.

While most would be confused or angry after receiving this kind of a diagnosis, Marcus has chosen to see the glass half full. "Bro, this is so cool. Like, I'll be telling this story to the dudes at the bar for the rest of my life. They're going to love me. I wonder what kind of nicknames will come out of all this."

The safest treatment for this sort of mutation is immediate removal. However, this process has been slowed down by a conflict between the patient and hospital administrators over what happens to the tissue after removal. Marcus told us 

"They're all like 'We gotta send it to the lab for testing'. Why do you have to do that? You already told me it's a penis! I want to put it in a mason jar and keep it in the TKE house."

Marcus also told our team here at The Paw that he did not intend on participating in any class action law suit against ITC's parent company, Mitsui Bussan, because "this thing is pretty dope".

For The Paw, this is Erik Weisz.